I didn't think I would have to write this letter. I hoped beyond hope I wouldn't have to write this letter. But, yesterday, my worst fears came true. We can't have you. Daddy took his third test to see if the meds were working. Still no sperm. My heart dropped right there in the doctor's office. I felt the floor fall out from under me as I nodded my head, listened to his half hearted condolences and felt my head start spinning. I couldn't get out of his office quick enough. He said there was no need to do any more testing or any unnecessary operations to check for blocks since he is 95% sure Daddy isn't producing any sperm. As soon as we left there, we had to go see family, so I cried for a few minutes in the car. Then spent the next few hours, nodding a lot, smiling when people looked at me, unsure really what was being said because all I could hear in my head is "You're never going to be a mom." When I went to bed last night, the tears came as my heart broke into pieces. Daddy held me and cried with me because he wanted you just as much as I did.
I spent my whole life trying not to have you. It makes me so sad now to think of what could have been if we had tried earlier. It makes me sad to think I won't hold you in my arms, Daddy won't play with you out in the backyard, you won't meet our sweet little furbabies who have kept us company all of these years, and especially these last 9-10 months we've been trying to make you!
We may have other options. We may pursue those other options. But, I will never in my life carry Daddy's baby and that is so devastating to me. I feel like I will never be ok again. I already feel myself pushing away from people and places I used to run to for support. I'm scared and I feel so alone right now. I keep seeing you in my arms, sleeping, safe and warm. I'm so sorry.
Even though you've never existed and now you never will, I love you and I'm mourning what has been taken from us - a choice. One simple choice. I never should have taken it for granted....
Love always,
Mommy
No comments:
Post a Comment