Dear Elijah or Amelia...

I didn't think I would have to write this letter. I hoped beyond hope I wouldn't have to write this letter. But, yesterday, my worst fears came true. We can't have you. Daddy took his third test to see if the meds were working. Still no sperm. My heart dropped right there in the doctor's office. I felt the floor fall out from under me as I nodded my head, listened to his half hearted condolences and felt my head start spinning. I couldn't get out of his office quick enough. He said there was no need to do any more testing or any unnecessary operations to check for blocks since he is 95% sure Daddy isn't producing any sperm. As soon as we left there, we had to go see family, so I cried for a few minutes in the car. Then spent the next few hours, nodding a lot, smiling when people looked at me, unsure really what was being said because all I could hear in my head is "You're never going to be a mom." When I went to bed last night, the tears came as my heart broke into pieces. Daddy held me and cried with me because he wanted you just as much as I did.

I spent my whole life trying not to have you. It makes me so sad now to think of what could have been if we had tried earlier. It makes me sad to think I won't hold you in my arms, Daddy won't play with you out in the backyard, you won't meet our sweet little furbabies who have kept us company all of these years, and especially these last 9-10 months we've been trying to make you!

We may have other options. We may pursue those other options. But, I will never in my life carry Daddy's baby and that is so devastating to me. I feel like I will never be ok again. I already feel myself pushing away from people and places I used to run to for support. I'm scared and I feel so alone right now. I keep seeing you in my arms, sleeping, safe and warm. I'm so sorry.

Even though you've never existed and now you never will, I love you and I'm mourning what has been taken from us - a choice. One simple choice. I never should have taken it for granted....

Love always,
Mommy

Something I didn't say before TTC

This is from a post I made on TMP....

Something I never said before TTC - "I want to be a mommy."

I know that sounds weird But, for most of my life I didn't want to have a child. Physical and emotional abuse by my biological mother, watching my sister ruin her childrens' lives, and my own struggle with anxiety and depression pretty much convinced me I had no business being a mother. Look at my role models - they created a mess then left it for others to clean up! I didn't want to be that kind of person. So, I did everything I could to prevent it from happening for most of my life.

But people change, life happens. Being in a stable marriage (16 years now!) proved to me that I didn't have to go down the same road as my parent's (divorced) or my sister (divorced about 4 times). So, would it be possible for me to choose a different path and become a different kind of parent, mother? I felt like I could, so here we are...me saying something I never thought I would say....

I want to be a mommy

End of Cycle 2 - The good and the bad

My plan with my OBGYN is to test on CD27 & CD28.
If BFP's, call her and celebrate
If BFN's, stop the Prometrium on CD28, wait for AF, and cry a little

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6/22/11 Update

6/22 was CD27, so here's my first test with FMU from that day:



B.F.N.

I decided to go ahead and test the next morning, but I was pretty sure I was out this cycle. My temp chart was insane and I have no idea what to even make of it this month. I have an appointment on July 7th, so I'm going to print all of my chart & info out and be sure to take it with me.

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6/23/11 Update

It's CD28. I begrudgingly got up this morning to test since I was already convinced it was going to be a BFN. I watched and waited and then moved the stick over to take a pic to post another BFN for my TMP ladies and then I saw it...



Wait, is that a line? Am I seeing things? What the heck? (Sorry about the urine spots) So I begged DH to get up and look and he said he thought he saw one, too. So, I panicked a little and decided to shower and get ready for work.

Called my OB and they said, congrats! Stay on the Prometrium, we'll schedule you for a sono and appointment next week and go from there. Then they called back and said, oh it's too early for sono, need to push that and the appointment out to 7/11. I said I was nervous since it was so faint, they said no matter how faint, its a positive, but they suggested taking a digital test to ease my mind.

So, I bought digis on the way home and took one when I got home. Only had about 3 hrs of urine saved up. It says "Not Pregnant" So, I don't know what to think now.

Here's some tweaked pics:





Morning test was a First Response brand, digi was a Clear Blue.

I'm freaked out and unsure if I should be happy or sad.

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6/24 - 6/26

I was having spotting/bleeding and mild cramping when I woke up Friday, so I went in to the OB to do a blood test. They wouldn't get the results until Monday and would call me then. Had the bleeding/spotting continue through the weekend, along with bedrest per OB.

I pretty much was convinced all weekend that I was having a miscarriage. How can I get a BFP without the hormone being there? How can I get period bleeding while still taking the Prometrium? This had to be something more serious than my period right?

I cried a couple of times, posted a lot on TMP, got taken care of wonderfully by my DH. It was breaking my heart that I was potentially not pregnant - either because the test was wrong or because I was miscarrying. I realized how badly I want to be a mommy and how great of a dad DH is going to be and it hurt feeling like this wasn't going to be our month.

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6/27

Got the call from my OB. They said the numbers showed that I was not pregnant. So they are calling the positive above in the pictures a false positive :( OB thinks the spotting/bleeding this weekend was my period even though I was still taking the progesterone pills and I'm not supposed to get AF while on those. They said it does happen sometimes. This morning, very little to none on the spotting - I wonder if I will get another round of AF when I stop the Prometrium tonight? This afternoon and evening has been back to a light period, unfortunately.

Good News

• It's not a loss.
• I was on bedrest during AF which made it so much more bearable.
• We can continue to TTC with this new cycle.
  

Bad News

• I feel like an idiot, especially on TMP - but the ladies on there have assured me I don't need to feel that way
• There's no proof that I'm even able to get pg.
• I'm not pregnant
  

So, I'm moving on to Cycle 3 with mixed emotions.

Cycle 2 is coming to an end...

I'm in the last couple of days on my 2nd cycles TTC. I've been having symptoms of SOMETHING for the last week or so, here's a list of today (11 DPO):

• EXTREMELY tender breasts/nipples still - it's driving me crazy!
• Bloating and heartburn
• Fatigue
• Major backache all day
  
• Food isn't appetizing
  
• Some minor cramping, weirdness in my tummy
• Major emotional ups & downs

My temps seem to indicate I may or may not have ovulated. And they are going down which would indicate a BFN :( Or a broken thermometer. I took a HPT yesterday morning (Father's Day), hoping it wasn't too early. It was a BFN :( I almost cried. I'm not going to test again until Wednesday morning (13 DPO) & again Thursday morning (14 DPO). If I get a BFN both times, I'll stop my progesterone on Tuesday night and see if AF comes. If she doesn't, I'm going to call the OB and see what to do next.

A friend who is pregnant (18 weeks) found out the baby's sex today - she's having a little girl :) I'm so happy for her and her DH and I know they are going to be great parents! As happy and excited as I was at work today, I was a little sad on the inside thinking I'm may not get to have this experience....

Only 1 more day, then time to test.

Cycle 2 - Week 3...Update

Well, I did get crosshairs, but they are not confirmed ones - so still no confirmation that I ovulated. I had a dip in my temps yesterday, then had a big spike this morning. So, honestly, I have no idea what's going on.

I had a little bit of an anxiety attack today - nothing major. When I thought that I might be pregnant, I panicked a little about being pregnant for 9 months and then the delivery stuff. But, I can't control any of that and if I want a baby of my own making then I have to go through all of that! So, I got myself calmed down :)

Here's my symptoms at 5 days past (possible) ovulation:

• EXTREMELY tender breasts/nipples - don't touch!
• Headache off and on throughout the last couple of days
• Bloating and heartburn
• Fatigue
• Major backache all day
• Very spacey at work today - unfocused and unmotivated
• Some minor cramping, weirdness in my tummy
  

Cycle 2 - Week 3...I GOT CROSSHAIRS!!

I've been charting my temps since the middle of the first cycle. It's amazing what you can figure out by doing this. So, on cycle day (CD) 15, I had a temp spike. My temp stayed up on CD16, so I got a coverline on my temping chart through Countdown to Pregnancy and I just need one more day of a higher temp to confirm that I ovulated. So this morning, CD17, I took my temp and I updated my charts on CTP and Fertility Friend and I got crosshairs on both!! Both charts show my ovulation day as CD14. This is good news! It means my body is working right and it means I can look at our BD (intercourse) schedule and see if we hit some good days and it looks like we did!!

So, now I am 3 days past ovulation (DPO) and in my two week wait (2WW) time period. This means lots of imaginary pregnancy symptoms and hoping and praying we got it right this month. I will take a test on CD27 & 28 (May 22 & 23) to see if we get that BFP!

Some symptoms I've had for the last 3 days:

• Tender breasts (all over, including the sides)
• Headaches
• Some minor pains in the abdomen (ovulation pain?)

I will start a new post soon as a way to keep up with each day through the end of this cycle to document issues, symptoms, etc. I'm really, really hoping for a BFP.

Cycle 2 - Weeks 1 & 2

So, we've started on cycle 2 and things are going good. Pretty sure I've ovulated. And I think we got some good coitus time in this cycle, with good timing. Only time will tell now.

Week 1 of the cycle was uneventful. I had a very short period - only 3 days - but it was intense! Lots of major cramping and major flow. Totally wasn't prepared for that. Then it stopped, just like that and the rest of the week was fine :) Had some minor spotting on CD6, but it was insignificant and didn't last long.

Week 2 of the cycle brought about some acne. I feel like a teenager, breaking out like this. But, I think it's a good sign that my body is doing what it needs to do, so who am I to complain! My temps were pretty random, then on CD 15, got a spike! CD 16, temp was still up :) Just need one more morning of a high temp and I'll get a confirmation on my O (ovulation)!!

So, basically, I'm about to start the two week wait :) This is where I have all kinds of pregnancy symptoms, but mostly in my mind :D I spend these two weeks, hoping, wishing, considering, debating and waiting! Waiting to test, waiting for a positive on the HPT, waiting for my period, waiting to find out if I'm going to be a mommy....it is the longest two weeks of my life.

Cycle 1

Our first TTC cycle was 4/27/11 - 5/26/11. It ended with a negative (BFN) on the home pregnancy test (HPT). Since it was the first cycle, we had no idea what we were doing. Mid way through, I started charting my temperatures in the mornings with a basal body thermometer. I also got active on a forum website called The Mommy Playbook and learned a lot about how my body would tell me when it was ready if I just took some time to listen to it! I love this forum and the ladies on it.

We are working with my OBGYN and this is the plan for our first three cycles:

Estradiol (estrogen) for cycle day (CD) 8-12
Lots of coitus (BDing), esp. CD 10-16
Prometrium (progesterone) for CD 17-29
Test on CD 27 &/or 28
Hope for positive on HPT (BFP)!!
If BFP, continue Prometrium and call my OBGYN!!!!
If BFN, stop Prometrium and wait for my period to move to the next cycle :)

I made it through my first cycle and although we came up with a negative, we both learned a lot and feel better prepared to move forward with our decision. So....on to cycle 2!!

Never in a million years...

My Dear Husband (DH from now on) and I are trying to conceive (TTC) our first child. We've been together for 20 years, married for 16 of those and had decided long ago that we weren't the parenting types. That all changed about a year and a half ago as DH's health deteriorated and we started questioning what we've been doing with our lives, what might he be leaving behind, what do we really want out of life and what would possibly make life even better.

So, we decided to start talking about maybe, possibly, in the future, discussing having a child :)

The future is now and the discussion is over. We've started trying. We just finished our first cycle with no luck. I got 4 negatives (BFN) on the home pregnancy tests and a couple of days later Aunt Flow came to visit. She's so darn annoying! So, on to cycle 2 to see if we can do this as naturally as possible.

I'll be blogging about this experience along the way. So for now, I'll just say...I never thought in a million years I would be a mom. Now...well, now, I can hardly wait!