Still don't have all of the answers, but not giving up on hope...

This is going to be long, sorry!

DH and I had an initial consultation with a fertility specialist today. Although, initially trying to set up the appointment was a little confusing, I have to start off saying, I LOVE this place! The staff has been amazing after my initial rough start and I really love the doctor we worked with today (and will continue to work with). After reading through the SA results and making sure we understood that, she said although it looked like bad news, there are options and she wants to help us to get the whole picture put together before making any major decisions.

For those of you who don't know - DH has had 3 Semen Analysis tests and all 3 showed NO sperm (zero, zip, nada). The urologist is 95% sure it is NOT due to a blockage, but is most likely a lack of sperm production. The last time we got the same results at the urologist in December, I all but gave up, heartbroken, lost and pretty much went into a depression along with DH for a few weeks. I even wrote a letter to the little one we wouldn't have - warning, it is sad.

Then I decided that we really only had one piece of the puzzle (DH's piece) and I felt like the urologist wrote us off because of our age and our obvious lack of major mula. So, DH and I talked and decided to go see this specialist and just make sure we know all of the options and resources have been explored before we give up.

So, today was the day! We went in and they took care of us from beginning to end. We walked out with the start of a plan. And I left smiling and a little hopeful.

Here's the plan:

1. First of all, she did a vaginal u/s and found 5-6 follicles on each of my ovaries. She was very happy with that! She said they look for 2-5, so I was good there She also said one on my right side looked like it was about to release an egg! I was so happy! I've had 3 days of positive OPKs (she was impressed with all we've been doing and what all I knew about - thanks TMP!) and started having pain on my right side this morning! She said it looked like there might be a small cyst on my left side, but didn't have any concerns about it and said she will monitor it. She also said my uterus looks great, my cervix looks great and overall things look great! So so happy about this!

2. Both DH and I had bloodwork done today there. Prenatal screen for me, initial screen for him.

3. On my next CD 2, 3 or 4 (I'm CD14 of this cycle today) going to go to a local lab and have them do a draw for E2 & FSH levels.

4. Will schedule an HSG anytime between CD 6-10 to be done in office!! For $56.88!!!! Since they do it in office, it is considered part of treatment instead of a separate procedure so it's not going to cost $850 like I was quoted when trying to do it at the hospital this past summer. I'm just in awe of this right now.

5. When I go in for the HSG, they will draw blood for AMH, Prolactin & TSH.

6. When I go in for the HSG, DH will go in and do another SA with them. All he pays is his co-pay!!! Not $110 like with the first 3!! I still can't get over this. We really should have gone here sooner. Blah.

7. After all of the tests and bloodwork results are back, we go back in for a consult and see what the options are and where to go from there!

So, no more real answers about the possibility of being parents, but we know we won't be able to do it naturally and will definitely have to have help. We still haven't decided about donation (although she did talk to us a bit about it today). For now, we are focusing on getting all of the pieces of the puzzle on one table and then putting it together with their help.

If you're still reading this, you are so amazing!

Dear Elijah or Amelia...

I didn't think I would have to write this letter. I hoped beyond hope I wouldn't have to write this letter. But, yesterday, my worst fears came true. We can't have you. Daddy took his third test to see if the meds were working. Still no sperm. My heart dropped right there in the doctor's office. I felt the floor fall out from under me as I nodded my head, listened to his half hearted condolences and felt my head start spinning. I couldn't get out of his office quick enough. He said there was no need to do any more testing or any unnecessary operations to check for blocks since he is 95% sure Daddy isn't producing any sperm. As soon as we left there, we had to go see family, so I cried for a few minutes in the car. Then spent the next few hours, nodding a lot, smiling when people looked at me, unsure really what was being said because all I could hear in my head is "You're never going to be a mom." When I went to bed last night, the tears came as my heart broke into pieces. Daddy held me and cried with me because he wanted you just as much as I did.

I spent my whole life trying not to have you. It makes me so sad now to think of what could have been if we had tried earlier. It makes me sad to think I won't hold you in my arms, Daddy won't play with you out in the backyard, you won't meet our sweet little furbabies who have kept us company all of these years, and especially these last 9-10 months we've been trying to make you!

We may have other options. We may pursue those other options. But, I will never in my life carry Daddy's baby and that is so devastating to me. I feel like I will never be ok again. I already feel myself pushing away from people and places I used to run to for support. I'm scared and I feel so alone right now. I keep seeing you in my arms, sleeping, safe and warm. I'm so sorry.

Even though you've never existed and now you never will, I love you and I'm mourning what has been taken from us - a choice. One simple choice. I never should have taken it for granted....

Love always,
Mommy

Something I didn't say before TTC

This is from a post I made on TMP....

Something I never said before TTC - "I want to be a mommy."

I know that sounds weird But, for most of my life I didn't want to have a child. Physical and emotional abuse by my biological mother, watching my sister ruin her childrens' lives, and my own struggle with anxiety and depression pretty much convinced me I had no business being a mother. Look at my role models - they created a mess then left it for others to clean up! I didn't want to be that kind of person. So, I did everything I could to prevent it from happening for most of my life.

But people change, life happens. Being in a stable marriage (16 years now!) proved to me that I didn't have to go down the same road as my parent's (divorced) or my sister (divorced about 4 times). So, would it be possible for me to choose a different path and become a different kind of parent, mother? I felt like I could, so here we are...me saying something I never thought I would say....

I want to be a mommy

End of Cycle 2 - The good and the bad

My plan with my OBGYN is to test on CD27 & CD28.
If BFP's, call her and celebrate
If BFN's, stop the Prometrium on CD28, wait for AF, and cry a little

--------

6/22/11 Update

6/22 was CD27, so here's my first test with FMU from that day:



B.F.N.

I decided to go ahead and test the next morning, but I was pretty sure I was out this cycle. My temp chart was insane and I have no idea what to even make of it this month. I have an appointment on July 7th, so I'm going to print all of my chart & info out and be sure to take it with me.

--------

6/23/11 Update

It's CD28. I begrudgingly got up this morning to test since I was already convinced it was going to be a BFN. I watched and waited and then moved the stick over to take a pic to post another BFN for my TMP ladies and then I saw it...



Wait, is that a line? Am I seeing things? What the heck? (Sorry about the urine spots) So I begged DH to get up and look and he said he thought he saw one, too. So, I panicked a little and decided to shower and get ready for work.

Called my OB and they said, congrats! Stay on the Prometrium, we'll schedule you for a sono and appointment next week and go from there. Then they called back and said, oh it's too early for sono, need to push that and the appointment out to 7/11. I said I was nervous since it was so faint, they said no matter how faint, its a positive, but they suggested taking a digital test to ease my mind.

So, I bought digis on the way home and took one when I got home. Only had about 3 hrs of urine saved up. It says "Not Pregnant" So, I don't know what to think now.

Here's some tweaked pics:





Morning test was a First Response brand, digi was a Clear Blue.

I'm freaked out and unsure if I should be happy or sad.

----------
6/24 - 6/26

I was having spotting/bleeding and mild cramping when I woke up Friday, so I went in to the OB to do a blood test. They wouldn't get the results until Monday and would call me then. Had the bleeding/spotting continue through the weekend, along with bedrest per OB.

I pretty much was convinced all weekend that I was having a miscarriage. How can I get a BFP without the hormone being there? How can I get period bleeding while still taking the Prometrium? This had to be something more serious than my period right?

I cried a couple of times, posted a lot on TMP, got taken care of wonderfully by my DH. It was breaking my heart that I was potentially not pregnant - either because the test was wrong or because I was miscarrying. I realized how badly I want to be a mommy and how great of a dad DH is going to be and it hurt feeling like this wasn't going to be our month.

----------
6/27

Got the call from my OB. They said the numbers showed that I was not pregnant. So they are calling the positive above in the pictures a false positive :( OB thinks the spotting/bleeding this weekend was my period even though I was still taking the progesterone pills and I'm not supposed to get AF while on those. They said it does happen sometimes. This morning, very little to none on the spotting - I wonder if I will get another round of AF when I stop the Prometrium tonight? This afternoon and evening has been back to a light period, unfortunately.

Good News

• It's not a loss.
• I was on bedrest during AF which made it so much more bearable.
• We can continue to TTC with this new cycle.
  

Bad News

• I feel like an idiot, especially on TMP - but the ladies on there have assured me I don't need to feel that way
• There's no proof that I'm even able to get pg.
• I'm not pregnant
  

So, I'm moving on to Cycle 3 with mixed emotions.

Cycle 2 is coming to an end...

I'm in the last couple of days on my 2nd cycles TTC. I've been having symptoms of SOMETHING for the last week or so, here's a list of today (11 DPO):

• EXTREMELY tender breasts/nipples still - it's driving me crazy!
• Bloating and heartburn
• Fatigue
• Major backache all day
  
• Food isn't appetizing
  
• Some minor cramping, weirdness in my tummy
• Major emotional ups & downs

My temps seem to indicate I may or may not have ovulated. And they are going down which would indicate a BFN :( Or a broken thermometer. I took a HPT yesterday morning (Father's Day), hoping it wasn't too early. It was a BFN :( I almost cried. I'm not going to test again until Wednesday morning (13 DPO) & again Thursday morning (14 DPO). If I get a BFN both times, I'll stop my progesterone on Tuesday night and see if AF comes. If she doesn't, I'm going to call the OB and see what to do next.

A friend who is pregnant (18 weeks) found out the baby's sex today - she's having a little girl :) I'm so happy for her and her DH and I know they are going to be great parents! As happy and excited as I was at work today, I was a little sad on the inside thinking I'm may not get to have this experience....

Only 1 more day, then time to test.

Cycle 2 - Week 3...Update

Well, I did get crosshairs, but they are not confirmed ones - so still no confirmation that I ovulated. I had a dip in my temps yesterday, then had a big spike this morning. So, honestly, I have no idea what's going on.

I had a little bit of an anxiety attack today - nothing major. When I thought that I might be pregnant, I panicked a little about being pregnant for 9 months and then the delivery stuff. But, I can't control any of that and if I want a baby of my own making then I have to go through all of that! So, I got myself calmed down :)

Here's my symptoms at 5 days past (possible) ovulation:

• EXTREMELY tender breasts/nipples - don't touch!
• Headache off and on throughout the last couple of days
• Bloating and heartburn
• Fatigue
• Major backache all day
• Very spacey at work today - unfocused and unmotivated
• Some minor cramping, weirdness in my tummy
  

Cycle 2 - Week 3...I GOT CROSSHAIRS!!

I've been charting my temps since the middle of the first cycle. It's amazing what you can figure out by doing this. So, on cycle day (CD) 15, I had a temp spike. My temp stayed up on CD16, so I got a coverline on my temping chart through Countdown to Pregnancy and I just need one more day of a higher temp to confirm that I ovulated. So this morning, CD17, I took my temp and I updated my charts on CTP and Fertility Friend and I got crosshairs on both!! Both charts show my ovulation day as CD14. This is good news! It means my body is working right and it means I can look at our BD (intercourse) schedule and see if we hit some good days and it looks like we did!!

So, now I am 3 days past ovulation (DPO) and in my two week wait (2WW) time period. This means lots of imaginary pregnancy symptoms and hoping and praying we got it right this month. I will take a test on CD27 & 28 (May 22 & 23) to see if we get that BFP!

Some symptoms I've had for the last 3 days:

• Tender breasts (all over, including the sides)
• Headaches
• Some minor pains in the abdomen (ovulation pain?)

I will start a new post soon as a way to keep up with each day through the end of this cycle to document issues, symptoms, etc. I'm really, really hoping for a BFP.